Buddhism and Romance

Hello Michael. I guess I would ask or wonder how much you cling to a need for the same schedule versus the need for a companion and why.

Hi Michael!

You have found yourself in a not uncommon predicament. Many yogic systems strongly advise against intimate relationships with the opposite (or same) sex because they are a tremendous trap and, as you are experiencing, they can make spiritual practice and development much more difficult. However, where as most yogic systems exclude certain practices and behaviors, Tantric Buddhism does not. You may want to read a recent post I wrote on Tantra, but I can repeat some of it here.

First of all, a lot of people talk about Tantra, and it is often misunderstood and misrepresented in the west. Tantra is not sexual yoga. It has nothing to do with sex at all actually, or rather, it does not have anything in particular to do with sex over anything else. Tantra is about using the energy and power of conditions that appear to be tremendous adversities as opportunities for expanding and refining your awareness. Tantra is not for a lazy practitioner, and not for a weak practitioner, it is for the very strong yogi who has reached a point in their spiritual practice where the rules of classical yoga systems no longer apply. Similar to a classically trained musician, after a number of years of training in the basic techniques, the scales, reading music, and so forth, they reach a point where those rules are no longer absolutes, where they can improvise and elaborate. Such a person would never say all those basics, the scales and reading music and the subtelety or movements required and trained in for so long is obsolete or unimportant. Indeed, it is important to learn and master the basics before one engages in a Tantric practice.

So again, you are right in seeing this as a risk to spiritual practice. It is, and a Tantric Buddhist would never say it's not. For my students I recommend against relationships, especially during a certain period within their practice. However, relationships are Nirvana just as everything else is. This is the kind of awareness a Tantric Buddhist cultivates, to see the absolute in the relative. To be able to navigate even the most difficult waters with grace, humility, selflessness, and determination. To use even a relationship as a vehicle to gain a greater insight into the depth and beauty of life. So whatever your current spirtitual practice is, whatever you do, you don't just throw all that out the window, rather figure out a way to apply those understandings and practices within your relationship, just as a yogi strives to do within all aspects of their life. If your partner is supportive and understanding of your practice, you may find that it can give tremendous power to your spiritual development because you are practicing in tumultuous conditions. In other words, you're no longer just rehearsing. "This is not a drill."

In my personal experience, I have found that the times I have been romantically involved with someone, that my partner felt tremendously threatened by my spiritual practice. This is a common, though unfortunate reaction, and it did result in the eventual termination of the relationship because my priorities were my practice and spiritual development. However, I view those times as tremendously educational and valuable experiences which really, though both blissful and agonizing, have been instrumental on my own path. So the trick is not to become so attached, so mired in the relationship that you abandon your spiritual practice.

Besides that, just try to keep to bright, happy and fun! You must know when to have boundaries and when to be flexible. If you find yourself dragged into arguments, fighting, etc. In other words, if you find yourself losing energy, that your relationship is draining, then I would say it is having too adverse of an effect on your practice. However, if you can keep it bright, happy, positive, and mutually supportive and empowering, then you are engaging in the relationship correctly.

Good luck in your travels!

Ajna

After a period of time when things settle down a bit after initializing a relationship, you come to your senses, and it's quite common to begin to ask yourself what the hell is going on. It may be that another person needs more from you than you're willing to give or vice versa - and that's fine because there's are lots of fish in the sea. I think Paula was on track. You just have to make the determination whether it's possible to balance what you feel are your needs with hers, and the extent to which you're willing to schedule your time and output the required level of emotional energy to make it work. And then after you figure that out you'll find that everything has changed, so you'll have to start all over again. Good luck.

mi: how does one (anyone including you) engage in fruitful spiritual practice as well as a relationship with another.

Fruitful spiritual practice *is* a relationship with another. Sometime that other is yourself. Sometimes you are skillful enough to widen your circle.

mi: I need a lot of my own space

You have a unique opportunity to learn what you actually need vs what you just desire. Personally I would let her know that there was some stuff I was used to doing alone and I'm not sure what I actually need to do alone vs what I just happened to do alone and I'd like her to help me find out.

Keep things fluid. Remember some tension is good for you.

Let her know you are testing your boundaries and its a bit uncomfortable and then reassure her that she is worth it. The key is good dialog *with her* and paying attention to her instead of just yourself.

My only rule for a good relationship - always choose to be as kind as you can to her.

hey what's up michael. I just recently started on the path towards enlightenment and my marriage is suffering for it. I'm not sure its really possible to have it all. I've been married 23 years(since i was 18) so my advice may be jaded but i suggest a fruitful spiritual practice and plenty of booty calls are the way to go:) just kidding good luck it's not easy- Question does she share your spiritual beliefs? if so, can't you guys do this together? It might be time to change the way you do things

Samsara can be like this sometimes.

I 'met' my partner here on tribe, she was advertising a comfy chair for free, and having just painted a wall red, I thought it might be a nice compliment to have a green chair.Then I saw her picture and thought; "oh, she's cute" and looking at her profile, I noticed that she had Kadam Buddhism listed as an interest and thought; "what are the chances we go to the same temple?" You can probably guess the rest, she did, and we do, and we did and said; "I do." So, now that is one of our commitments, right in there with refuge, bodhisattva, pratimoksha, and tantric vows. In my case it has been wonderful to have a partner that shares my beliefs and understands that it is practice. We support each other fully in attaining spiritual realizations, as well as in the daily yoga of life, it is nice to know someone has your back. It is also important to recognize that relating to others can be a commitment, or something that we have more flexibility around, but ultimately they are impermanent phenomena, so try to enjoy them while they exist and learn what you can about affectionate love, and giving, and the true nature of samsara. Commit yourself to that.

That said, I too was (am) one who enjoys time to myself to read and write, play music, or engage in sometimes meaningless activity. For a long time I thought it was her, or the relationship, that was causing discomfort but I have come to see that even when we disagree, it provides an opportunity to give the gift of listening, and to understand more clearly my actions and their effects. This is the reason that we engage relationships in the first place - though it does feel nice too - so that we may have a reflection of ourselves, sometimes clear, sometimes distorted, always accurate as to how things are if we stop to look.

I am reminded of a story the guru tells about the nature of the world. It is like the earth and there are stones that can hurt our feet. We can spend all our time trying to cover the earth with leather, or we can put leather on our feet, the choice is ours to make. Relationships - and their relation to our practice - are like this too.

Hi Bro, don't know what you're level (of practice and development) is, but I can share my Teachers' teachings.

This comes from His Holiness Buddha Maitreya. I don't think it gets much better than that...although this advice
may not be for you. To me, I have to say that it does feel right/true...

I'm told He said in a Dharshan (live teaching and transmission) that He recommends not having intimate relations
until the 3rd initiation. That would be the level of the realized Rinpoches, I think. Very few of us are there, I believe.
I'm certainly not. He has also said, "Sex activates processes that we're not ready to deal with at our present level of integration."
Personally, I think that is easy to see all around us....people get married, 'fall in love', and divorce a few years later.
Much suffering happens in intimate relationships...
Also, "...personal relationships don't allow you to be who you are." For me this one really resonates.
We begin to play smaller than we are.

This resonates with me, even tho it is hard to tread at times. I think anyone who really has blossomed somewhat the inner
flower of love/light will know when a thing feels right and when it doesn't. I think we want to be aligned with people who are
living most soul-fully (people who are quiet and reverent) and not drawn so much into relationship with people who are
more involved with the world in a 'personality' way...if that makes any sense....

Ya know its funny, most of us westerners I'd say usually think of monks and nuns as deprived. They live in quiet, remote places and there's no burger joints in sight. But, *really*, I think they might have it GREAT...because...their are so few distractions, that they go deep...and are successful in stabilizing inner clarity, joy and insight, to go even deeper still...Because we all know that their is peace and joy and bliss within that the world can't touch...if we can uncover it.
Donovan

Michael,

"My question is if possible how does one (anyone including you) engage in fruitful spiritual practice as well as a relationship with another."

By redefining spiritual practice....a relationship too is spiritual practice. It has been said married life is excellent sadhana. I also heard it said, if you think you are enlightened...test it out and go live with your parents for a couple weeks. Fruitful spiritual practice will come from the relationship.

Of course, you will need some space. My fiance leaves me alone when I say I am going to meditate in the other room. But I (and likely you) did not have as much space as when I was alone...so I found new avenues of spiritual practice (in and through the relationship itself).

Look at this as a Tantric (no, I am not taking about sex)...in tantra, everything in life is used as spiritual practice (sadhana). If you are in a relationship...there is spiritual practice there too...use the relationship for spiritual practice.

There is no need to separate...this is my spiritual life (practice) and this is my relationship...there are not two things here.

Namaste,

~ Eric Putkonen
www.awaken2life.org

This is what really strikes me about spirituality in general. Spiritual people ALWAYS know what to do after a breakup. However, a RELATIONSHIP is seen as a threat to spiritual practice, or at least a challenge or predicament. Okay, a new relationship should be fun and enjoyable. Honestly, if you're thinking about glum scriptures and crap while you're holding your sweetheart's hand, something is wrong with your practice. Also, if you'd rather sit on a cushion than hold her in your arms, something just may be wrong with you.

Seriously, though, wanna know how to squeeze some meditation time into your new schedule~? When she's shopping for shoes and leaving you stranded in the mall, rather than waiting for her in the sports bar, you should sit on a bench, fold your hands into a mudra and do some meditation there. Meditation is something that can be done anywhere and anytime; it isn't just something you need to do on a cushion in front of an altar. The world is your temple, playground or prison -- whichever you make of it.